‘I know about domestic violence,’ said the man, ‘I shall tell you my story and you can tell who you like. I want people to know my story,’ he said.
During a homeward journey from Malta back to the UK this week I was asked about what I did in Malta whilst working. The response I get varies widely when I tell the enquirer that I am a Senior Lecturer in domestic abuse. Often the disclosure is simply a quick conversation killer, often I get the response, ‘It happens to men too,’ often I get a hushed account of their own experience of survival, or the story of their family member, friend or colleague who was abused by their partner. This was an account from a man in his 60s who had lived with an abusive father in Malta.
‘I was 9 when my mother died,’ he said as he recounted the beatings and abuse his mother was subjected to by her husband, his father. He told me about the fear, the teeth chattering terror of hearing the beatings from an adjoining room and the total domination and power his father had over himself, his younger brother and his mother. The boys used to hide in a cupboard, clinging together and praying that the beating would stop and that their mother would be alive.
‘I wanted to get revenge, but I was too small. I vowed that when I was bigger I would protect my mother. I tell you, living in this time was hell. It was hell, our hell.’
Tragically, his mother died of a multitude of health issues, no one wanted to know a that time, he said. Domestic violence wasn’t spoken about in public, the doctors and hospital staff did not ask how she had injured herself so repeatedly. It was not spoken about at home until just before his mother’s death when her own brother was told about his sister’s experiences. Too late to save her life, but the uncle fought to take the two young brothers into his care rather than leave him with their abusive father. ‘I cannot tell you how different it was, hell in one house, heaven in the other.’ He told me about how his uncle showed him that abuse was not the way a man should be, that he could be kind, loving and fun to be with. Heaven with his uncle, hell with his own father. Although the father tried to have the boys placed in an institution, the uncle fought and won the right to bring up the boys. The perpetrator of abuse drifted off with no consequence to his actions.
‘You can tell people that my brother and I are not violent to our families, we choose no,’ he said to me, his eyes watered with emotion. He talked about never causing his wife or children to have that teeth chattering feeling, when pee runs down your legs, because you are so terrified of your own father. He asked me to tell my students and those who were interested that it is a choice to be abusive. ‘I chose NO!’ said the man.
Recent Posts
- In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity (Sun Tzu) 23rd October 2024
- Essential Toiletries and some beautiful Products for women at Cohort 4 19th December 2023
- One of my favourite Cohort 4 achievements 17th September 2023
- Cohort 4 at the Domestic Abuse Commissioner’s 1st Conference – A Festival of Practice 13th April 2023
Archives
- October 2024
- December 2023
- September 2023
- April 2023
- November 2022
- May 2022
- October 2021
- July 2021
- June 2021
- May 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- February 2021
- January 2021
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- March 2020
- January 2020
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- August 2019
- June 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- July 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- August 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- December 2016
- November 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
Recent Comments